♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪
Hi, Blanche. Oh, hi. How was school today?
Ah, pretty good.
Almost half the class came back after the fire drill.
Uh, price tag pinned to right sleeve.
What are you doing?
I'm taking the tags off this dress and saving them
so I can put them back on again tomorrow.
That way, when I take it back, they won't know I've worn it.
You're going to wear a dress, then return - Blanche, that's illegal.
Oh, it is not illegal. It's just... wrong.
See, I love the dress, but I can't afford it,
not $300 worth.
And I have a late date tonight, so I want to look stunning for it.
Besides, it's not like I'm gonna wear it all that much.
I'm just gonna put it on and take it off.
Then put it on and come home and take it off again.
Dorothy, great news. Gladys Goldfein called.
She's taking me to see Tony Bennett.
Oh, Sophia, that's terrific.
Tell me about it. I won't have to spend that evening with Dorothy.
No offense, my little Scrabble-holic,
but there's more to life than a double-word score.
Strange attitude coming from a woman who tried to choke me
because I challenged the word "flot."
Can you believe it? Tony Bennett.
What that man does to me with his voice
your father couldn't accomplish with his hands.
I know what you're talking about, Sophia.
There are men's voices that get me going like that, too.
Blanche, there are men's socks that can get you going like that.
Hi, everybody. Hi.
Do we all remember what today is?
I'll go out on a limb and say Thursday.
But you can't go by me. I'm in and out on my children's first names.
It's the 117th anniversary of the birth of Robert Frost.
I love him. Always nippin' at your nose.
That was Jack Frost.
Robert Frost is the guy who interviewed Richard Nixon on TV.
Who's the dumb one now?
Ah, you're still the reigning champ, Rose.
That was David Frost.
Robert Frost was a famous American poet.
And when I was with him, he was always nippin' at my nose.
Some people found it obnoxious. For me, it was a turnon.
Miles is cooking dinner to celebrate Frost's birthday.
He invited us all, and we accepted.
I don't remember ever agreeing to that.
Sure you did. I distinctly remember
you said, "Oh, boy, Miles reading poetry.
Sign me up. Sign me up."
You sounded pretty definite.
Sarcasm, Rose. That's like when I say,
"You're so lucky to be a natural blonde."
Thank you.
Just forget it, Rose. I have a late date.
You can leave early. A promise is a promise.
Now, look, we're all very fond of Miles.
Besides, a little culture wouldn't hurt any of us.
All right, we'll go.
But I'd rather stay home and eat flot.
So overall, then,
what I'd say Frost is most significantly remembered for
is his simple, clear use of language and uncomplicated imagery
to express the quiet values of a rural New England life.
Are we home yet?
My, oh, my, oh, my.
Just look at all the other places to be.
I mean, it is amazing, isn't it,
how with a few carefully chosen words,
a poet can convey the immediacy
of a specific life experience?
You don't have to tell me. Remember, I grew up in a small farm town.
"Here a quack, there a quack..."
"...everywhere...
a quack, quack."
Hey, look, there's a black guy doing the news,
and it isn't even the weekend.
Ma, did you turn that on?
Poltergeist.
(man on TV) Thanks, Steve. And Lord knows we can use the rain.
In the news this hour,
one of the FBI's ten most wanted criminals,
escaped convict and underworld kingpin
Mickey "The Cheeseman" Moran is dead...
Ma, turn it off, now.
Uh, no. Let's just hear that to the end.
He was blown up this morning
outside his home in suburban Chicago
by a bomb attached to the ignition of his car,
a violent end for a violent man.
You know what, ladies?
What do you say we take a rain check on the poetry reading?
I'd say no dice. Doesn't "rain check" mean we'd have to come back?
When she kids you like that, it means she likes you.
Ah. Well, I do have a few papers to grade, and I could use the time.
Here. Rose, here are the poems I was going to read.
Why don't you look them over?
We'll discuss them the next time we're all together.
So long. Bye, Blanche.
Actually, I was describing the evening.
Yeah, Burnett? Miles Weber.
I just heard about "The Cheeseman" on TV. Can it be? Am I free?
(phone rings)
Hello?
Oh, Gladys, buby.
You what?
Goldfein, I put a Sicilian curse on you.
You'll be barren!
OK, worse - you won't be barren.
And you know what else, Goldfein?
That sandwich I gave you yesterday - it was ham.
Ma, what is it?
Gladys wants to take a man to Tony Bennett in my place.
Oh, Sophia, calm down, honey.
It's all right if you want to drop your girlfriend because a man asks you out.
That's the law of the jungle.
Thank you, Sheena, Queen of the Slut People.
Ma, Gladys is your best friend.
She didn't do this to hurt your feelings.
It was probably an accident.
She must have forgotten that she already invited you.
Let me tell you something. There are no accidents.
Nobody wrongs someone without meaning it.
Come on, that's ridic-Aah!
Ohh! Oh!
Oh, I'm sorry. I was gonna take this dress back.
I am sorry, Blanche. You are sorry?
Oh, come on, it was an accident. Or was it?
Well, I will tell you one thing -
you are paying for this dress.
I am not paying for the dress.
I will pay for the dry cleaning and that's all.
I told you before, you can't return something after it's been worn.
I certainly can't now after your little spasm.
I wanted to wear something tonight
that Duane's never seen me in.
Maybe you should try underwear.
(doorbell rings)
Miles, I thought you were grading papers.
No, I wasn't. I lied.
Oh, my God. What were you grading?
Rose, Rose, I have wonderful news.
But I think you better sit down first before you hear it.
OK, you're the professor.
Well, see, I'm not.
No, I'm not really a professor. What?
And my name is not really Miles Weber.
Well, then who...?
What are you talking about, Miles?
Rose, my real name is Nicholas Carbone.
I was an accountant in Chicago,
and my biggest client was the dead man we saw
on the TV news bulletin this evening.
The Cheeseman? Yeah, that's right.
You have to believe me.
By the time I found out about it, I was too deeply involved.
I was arrested. The feds tried to pin everything on me.
You mean - Did they - Have you been to prison?
Oh, no. I couldn't let that happen.
Can you imagine what my life would've been like
if the other inmates found out how much I love to dance?
No, the D.A. offered me a deal,
and I turned state's evidence.
Which put my client Mr. Moran away for a long, long time.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
Yeah, you're a snitch.
No, I'm not a snitch. I am an informant.
Oh, a snitch in a tie.
The point is, it all would have been behind me, but he escaped.
The government had to put me in the Witness Protection Program.
Gave me a new name, new job, whole new identity.
I don't know what to say.
I can't believe this story you're telling.
But you can believe the story about Henrik Felderstuhl,
St. Olaf's half-man, half-grasshopper?
I'm telling you, when he rubbed his legs together,
you'd swear you were on a camping trip.
OK, let me get this straight.
You mean to tell me you are personally acquainted with men
who do bodily harm to private citizens for money?
I can't deny it, Sophia. Yes.
Then take down this address. Gladys Goldfein, 326 -
Ma!
I know this is a little overwhelming,
but try to look at it through my eyes.
I have my life back now.
For the first time in years, I've been able to call my friends,
let 'em know where I am.
Well, you may have your life back,
but I've had the rug pulled out from under mine.
Sweetheart, I... I had no choice,
but, Rose, I want you to know,
the one thing I was never faking was the way I feel about you.
How can I believe you? How can I believe anything you've ever said to me?
Look, I know it sounds awful, but it's not.
I can be free. I can go back to Chicago.
And, sweetheart, I want you there with me.
Chicago?
Go to Chicago?
I don't even know you!
Oh, Rose, honey, we know how confused you must feel,
but no matter how unfocused your emotions are,
you must try to express them.
So just go ahead and cry if you want to, or scream
or throw things if you have to,
but let those feelings out, honey.
Let 'em fill this room.
Heck!
I know, baby. I know.
Oh, Rose, this is terrible.
You have been robbed of the most basic sense of security.
No matter what else is happening, at the very least,
I know that when I come home at night
you are you, Blanche is Blanche,
and Ma - if she's taken her medication -
is my mother.
I don't know what's real anymore.
When I think of the things I've told Miles,
the things he's told me.
The things we've told each other.
Things we've said in a restaurant.
Things we've said on our way to a restaurant.
Things we've said on the way home...
The two of you shared! We get it!
But who was I sharing with?
If you say something to somebody who isn't really who he is,
have you actually said anything or not?
And if he's heard it as someone he really isn't,
has anything you've said actually been heard?
Sorry, I wasn't listening.
She wants to know what to do about Miles.
Drop him. Ma...
When someone you trusted tells you something that turns out not to be true,
wash your hands of them, give them the boot, dump 'em.
A little bit of Gladys Goldfein slipping into this opinion, Ma?
Who else are we talkin' about?
Now I know how my friend Mary Jane von Helfenpfelfer felt.
Oh, well. Considering what you've been through, go ahead, Rose.
She took a vacation to Mexico
and she found this poor, scrawny,
helpless little Chihuahua puppy on the street.
She brought it home to St. Olaf with her,
and she nursed it back to health.
She loved it. She took it to bed with her.
She taught it to fetch.
She'd throw a ball, and he'd bring it back,
and she'd throw a ball, and he'd bring it back.
Well, I guess I don't have to tell you
that's pretty much what "fetch" is.
How much longer are we gonna circle the airport, Rose?
You wanna bring this baby in?
When she took the puppy to get his shots,
the vet told her the bad news.
He said, "Mary Jane, this is no Chihuahua,
this is a rat."
And the point, Aesop?
I thought Miles was a Chihuahua. It turns out he was a rat.
You know, I once prepared a six-course meal
with what I thought was chicken.
But it turned out to be a... Ma!
Rose, in my heart, I cannot believe that Miles is a rat.
He just fell in with the wrong people, that's all.
Now look, I know you have a date with him tomorrow night. Keep it.
I'm sure you'll find he's the same caring, sensitive man
you've known all along.
My God, it wasn't my confirmation dinner, was it?
Your pop sure made everyone laugh
when he made the little feet dance.
Rose, how did your date go?
Oh, Dorothy, you were absolutely right.
It was better than I could've dreamed.
When we sat down to our meal,
Nick ordered a whiskey neat and a shrimp cocktail.
Which was positively uncanny,
because Miles always began his meal
with a whiskey neat and a shrimp cocktail.
You haven't had much experience
with the uncanny, have you, Rose?
Oh, Rose, I thought I heard your voice.
I want you to start at the beginning, and tell us everything.
Booze, shrimp. You're up to speed. Go, Rose.
Well, to begin with, I had an absolutely fantastic time.
He's the same man, the man I love.
And that's why I told him...
I'd go to Chicago with him.
You'd what? You're not moving, are you?
Only for three months so he can clean up some business, then we'll be back.
Oh, Rose, I'm so happy everything worked out.
Rose, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna miss ya.
Your laugh, your smile, your St. Olaf stories...
OK, I'm over it now.
Gee, Ma, I think it's nice how things are working out for Rose and Miles.
It had to happen sometime, Pussycat. (doorbell rings)
Rose found a man. And pretty soon, Blanche will find a man.
And before you know it, you -
You should buy a parakeet or something.
Gladys. Honey, how are you?
Fine, Dorothy. Is your mother home?
Uh... No, I can't say that she is.
I've been trying to call, but she keeps hanging up on me. You sure she isn't home?
No... I still can't say that, no.
Would you like to leave a message?
Oh, I don't know. I just wanted to apologize.
What took you so long?
Ma, when did you get in?
Oh, Dorothy, grow up.
So, are you reading from a prepared statement,
or are you feeling cocky enough to wing it?
I came because I was thinking,
at our age, the last thing you say to somebody
might be the last thing you say.
So I just want you to know that I'm sorry, Sophia.
I want to take you to the concert.
Buby. Faccia bella.
Dorothy, learn from this.
This is what friendships are built on -
loyalty, mutual respect, trust.
Give me my ticket.
What? Gladys, you yutz.
These aren't for Tony Bennett. They're for Tony Martin.
Of course they're for Tony Martin.
You think I'd camp overnight for tickets to Tony Bennett?
Tell you what, sweetheart.
Take Milton. Have a swell time.
Only this time, don't throw your underwear on the stage.
Then why go?
Oh, why couldn't they put Tony Bennett and Tony Martin on the same bill?
Ah, who am I kidding? There will never be another Woodstock.
(door opens)
I am never shopping at Fiedler Brothers again.
I beg your pardon? It's a little late for that.
I've never been so humiliated in my life.
What about the time you lost the key to your handcuffs
and had to go with that guy on his mail route?
It seems that before I returned the dress,
I was so busy putting the price tags back on,
I neglected to remove the dry cleaning tag.
Not only did they refuse to take the dress back,
the store manager had the gall to accuse me of being dishonest.
That's terrible, Blanche.
If I were you, I'd take my dishonesty elsewhere.
They made me pay.
$300 for a dress I didn't even want.
Blanche, it's only fair.
You tried something crooked, and you got caught.
Now you're gonna have to scrimp and cut corners
and find some way to pay for it.
I already have.
The rent increases go into effect tomorrow.
All except Sophia.
Why not her?
The rent increase was her idea.
So I'm the one musketeer. I'll make new friends.
You won't believe the horrible thing
I just heard on the radio.
Rose, we go through this every time.
"This is merely a test.
In the event of an actual emergency..."
No, the news! I was just listening to the news,
and The Cheeseman isn't dead. What?
A coroner's investigation proved that Moran staged the whole thing.
He's alive? And he knows that Miles is seeing Rose, and Rose knows me,
and they always hold the prettiest one hostage.
Oh, if I could just do something
to make myself less attractive.
Try soap and water.
I have to call Miles. He must be out of his mind with worry.
Rose? Oh, darling, we heard.
Rose, it's awful. Oh...
We don't have much time.
I'm so sorry about this, Miles.
Can we get this guy outta here? I don't want to be killed at my age.
That would be like getting tackled on the one-yard line.
Rose, you realize that Chicago is out of the picture now.
There's no way we can just stay in Miami?
No, no. That's impossible, too, sweetheart.
I don't know where the government's gonna move us,
but all I do know is everything's gonna be fine
as long as the two of us are together.
I can't believe this is happening.
Maybe we better try Springfield.
He'd never find us in Springfield.
Which Springfield? Aha!
Girls, don't worry. As soon as Miles and I are settled,
we'll let you know where we are.
No, Rose, I'm afraid we won't be able
to let anybody know where we are.
But we won't tell a soul, even when we come to visit.
You can't visit. It's too dangerous.
At least we'll be able to phone? No, I'm sorry.
What about my children?
Rose, it's just too risky, for us and for them.
Oh, Miles...
This is an impossible decision.
Oh, I love you so much.
Rose, I love you, too.
But... I also love my friends and my family,
and the thought of leaving...
I'm sorry.
All right. I understand.
Oh, I'm gonna miss you, Miles.
Rose, there won't be a day I won't be thinking about you.
Goodbye...
Rose, darling.
You take good care of her, ladies.
Miles, your poetry book.
Keep it, and when you read page 73,
think of me.
"And when to the heart of man
"was it ever less than a treason
"to bow and accept the end of a love
or of a season?"